by Stretch Longfellow

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So I was going through some old stories that I wrote, and I came across this. I wrote this a few years back and then forgot about it. Some character aspects remain the same as they are in the comics, such as Percy's diminutive size, while there have been significant changes in other aspects, such as the fact that Nikki no longer has pteronophobia (reading this did remind me to bring back the fedora, though). There were actually a few comics made about this story as well, but those have been lost in time and my disorganized room. NOTE THAT THIS STORY SHOULD NOT BE CONSIDERED CANON! And now, without further ado (whatever ado is), here is The ClauSled 3000:

The ClauSled 3000

“You’re sure you know what you’re doing with my GameBoy, Percy?” Jorocks Raefish watched his friend Percy Whitebucket disassemble the gaming device. “Of course. It won’t take much to put back together. Oops!” “Oops?!? Now you’ve done it! You and your blasted inventions!” “Hey, all I did was drop a screw. Relax. There, see? I’m done. Your GameBoy now can surf the Internet, play Minesweeper, and even act as a phone!” The small nerdy-looking boy leaned back in his chair and wiped a smudge off of his unnaturally opaque glasses. Jorocks realized once again that he’d never seen the older boy’s eyes. “Thanks, but I fail to see the point of having all of that. I have a laptop, a cell phone, and my fedora (thanks to you) that I can do it all on. Why should I have it on my GameBoy as well?” “Convenience. Speaking of which, I’ve finally invented a way of avoiding traffic.” “You finally perfected that teleporter, then?” “About that… Well, the good news is that Chris’s hair has almost grown back. But let me show you this invention. It will put our little town of Mountain Snow on the map.” “We’re already on the map.” “It’s a figure of speech! It means that people around the world will know where our town is. Just let me open the garage.” Percy’s parents had gotten tired of how cluttered his room was with various pieces of inventions, and had decided that they could spare the garage if it meant no more acid burns on the carpet. Percy, naturally, went ahead and altered the garage until it was no longer recognizable. He punched in his password and allowed the computer to scan his left big toe for security clearance, and then the two boys stepped through an automatic sliding door. A giant red sled greeted Jorocks’s eyes. “What the deuce is that?” “The ClauSled 3000. Basically, I’ve invented old Saint Nick’s fictional vehicle.” Jorocks raised an eyebrow. “So, basically you’re ripping off Santa Claus.” Percy snorted. “You can’t rip off a guy who only exists in fiction.” “Actually, Saint Nicolas was a real person.” “But he didn’t have a sled.” “True.” “I’ve been meaning to take it for a test run. However, I would like a co-pilot, just in case.” “Just in case of what. Conflagration?” “Nah. I need some to distract any lawyers or police who try to steal my patents or claim I don’t have a legitimate license. As if there’s a type of license for this type of vehicle.” “Sure…” “Not to mention the Santa suit I ordered came in an adult size, not youth. I ordered a new one, but it hasn’t arrived yet.” “You still wear children’s sizes? Good gravy, I didn’t think you were that small.” “Yeah, yeah. Now get in the Santa suit.” “What? I’m not doing that!” “You’ll get to be a part of history.” Jorocks considered it. He did know that Percy made a fair amount of cash from patents. “Fine. But only because I’ll hopefully get some money out of it.” Percy smirked. “Maybe you could get a shave and a haircut.” “That’s all the money I’d get?!?” The small boy laughed. “This time I wasn’t using a figure of speech. I meant it literally.” Jorocks went off to change into the suit. When he came back, fully decked with even the hat and fake beard, Percy was waiting for him, wearing an elf suit. This time it was the freakishly tall boy’s turn to smirk. “Appropriate for a diminutive midget like you.” “Shut up. Let’s go.” They climbed into the ClauSled, and Percy pushed several buttons. The machine hummed to life, and the roof began to slide open. The sled lifted off of the ground. Jorocks stared down at the garage as they continued to rise. “It’s working! Amazing!” “Did you doubt me?” Percy sounded amused. “Well, no, but this is amazing! We’re flying! We’re actually—” BANG! The sled shot forward, pitching Jorocks into the backseat. Percy held on tight to the steering wheel, fighting for control. “Looks like I added too much for propulsion.” Nikki Aiedail was babysitting her little sister. Bored, she flicked on the news on the TV. “…and in local news today, a flying sled was spotted over Mountain Snow. It looks like Santa’s been making practice runs! Luckily, the traffic copter from Plateau City managed to snap this photo.” A large photograph appeared on the screen, showing a blurred but still obvious picture of Percy in an elf suit trying desperately to control the sled while Jorocks, who had lost the fake beard by that point, clung on to the seat for dear life. What on earth is that idiot of a boyfriend doing this time? And now he’s dragging Jorocks into this as well, thought Nikki. At least he’s not wearing that fedora with the horrible feather. She repressed a shudder. Nikki’s little sister, Megan, tugged at her shoulder. “Is that Santa Claus?” “Um… Of course…” “Then why does he have a short, ugly, black beard instead of a big white beard. And why is he skinny?” “Well, he, um, hasn’t grown his beard out yet. And during the year, he eats his fruits and vegetables like everyone should. He doesn’t go on a cookie diet until a week before Christmas.” “Oh. Can I go on a cookie diet?” “No. Mommy wouldn’t like you to be fat.” The next day at school, Nikki was carrying her tray when she spotted Jorocks, Percy, and Chris, a dark-haired boy wearing a red hat backwards and a red sweatshirt. That boy made Jorocks’s love of video games look like small potatoes. Then she saw the feather on Jorock’s fedora and promptly fainted. Jorocks looked up from the massive pile of food on his plate as Percy hurried over. “I didn’t think I was eating that much.” When Nikki recovered and Jorocks had hidden the fedora from view, Percy turned to his girlfriend. “So what is it with you and feathers?” “Um, nothing. I just don’t like them.” “So you have pteronophobia, right?” “What’s that?” “The fear of feathers.” “Let’s change the subject. Oh, look. My lunch has spilled all over the floor.” Nikki’s voice changed to a suggestive tone. “I suppose I’ll have to wait in that long line to get more food…” Percy nodded in agreement. “Aye, you’d better hurry.” Nikki stormed off, leaving the small boy confused. “What? Did I miss something here?” That night, the storm hit. Mountain Snow had gotten its name when the first person to settle there, a Mr. Joe Vlander, had been beset by a six foot snowfall within a week after he finished his house. This storm was remarkably similar. Nikki and Megan stared out of their large picture window as the snow reached the sill. “It’s really coming down.” “Yeah. And tomorrow’s Christmas Eve. Will Santa be able to come?” “Of course. I’m sure he’ll be—” WHUMP! BANG! CRASH! SMASH! FWIP! “OW!” Nikki and Megan looked up to see a miniature Santa dangling from the gutter. “What the—” “SANTA! You were right! He came, he came! He’s even early!” “P-P-Percy?” Nikki wasn’t sure what to think. Why was her boyfriend dangling outside her window with his foot stuck in the gutter wearing a Santa outfit in the middle of the worst snowstorm that Mountain Snow had seen in…well, a year. Lots of snow was pretty common. “No, silly, that’s not your boyfriend. It’s Santa!” “Percy, are you all right? Can you hear me through the window?” Percy’s reply was muffled, but he sounded just like normal. “Oh, I’m fine and dandy. I hang off of gutters while freezing my ears off all the time just for fun. Now, how about getting me inside?” “Um… The door’s blocked by snow. Should I open a window?” “No. I’d sink in the snow.” He groaned. “I hate to say it, but I’m glad I’m small. See you in five.” “What are you going to do?” But Percy had already heaved himself back up onto the rooftop. There was a grating sound, and then some grunting, and, finally, Percy popped out of the fireplace, covered in soot. “SANTA!” Megan ran over to Percy and gave him a big hug. “Oh, great. I had to come in via the chimney, didn’t I? Hey, kid, I hate to spoil your fun, but I’m just Percy dressed up like Santa.” “So that’s why you don’t have glasses.” “Exactly. Wait, what? My glasses! I’m…blind?” Nikki looked at Percy in surprise. His left eye was seared shut and scarred. “How did…” “I was fiddling with some chemicals when I was little, and they didn’t mix too well. I lost my left eye from the explosion. That’s why I wear those opaque glasses. They’re an invention of mine. I basically took the idea of one-way glass and added it to glasses. Looks like I’ll have to make a new pair.” Nikki nodded. That at least explained his lack of depth perception. “But what are you doing here?” “Well, I fine-tuned the ClauSled so that it wasn’t as powerful as it was that night I was on the news. So I decided to try it out in severe weather. The weather got too severe, and I was swept away in the wind. It was pure chance that I hit your house.”

To be continued (though probably not until a long time from now)…

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Spoofy Randomness and all characters within are © 2009-2013 Stretch Longfellow/Jacob Leuenberger
This comic is a product of Twin Cat Company Productions.
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